Jokes of the Day: The Old Man, the Divorce and the Bear

MartinRaymondo

〰️

〰️

MartinRaymondo 〰️ 〰️

Joke #1

A couple of teenagers walk by a house every day after school. 

They always notice an elderly man rocking his chair, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer. 

One day, they decide to walk to the front porch and ask the guy, “What is the secret to living a long life?” 

The guy, all wrinkled, says, “Well, I’ve been smoking four packs a day, drinking a case of beer and eating fast food.” 

One of the teens says, “Wow, that’s incredible you’ve lived past 90”. 

The guy looks at them and says, “90? I’m 28!”

Joke #2

A recently divorced couple is in family court fighting for custody of their child. 

The judge looks at the mother and asks, “Why should you have custody of your child?” 

The mother says, “I brought this kid into the world, so I believe I deserve custody.” 

The judge says, “That’s a straightforward way of looking at the situation, but I accept your answer.” 

Then he turns to the father and says, “And why should you have custody of your child?” 

The father thinks for a minute, then asks, “If I go to a vending machine, put money inside it, and get a bag of chips, do the chips belong to me or the vending machine?”

Joke #3

Two friends are camping when a bear wanders into their campground. 

One of the friends opens his backpack beside him and hastily puts on his running shoes. 

His friend tries not to move and says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear.” 

His friend looks at him and says, “I know. I don’t need to outrun the bear; I just need to outrun you.”